I haven't written in what feels like ages, however when I look at the date of my last post it has only been a little over a month. . . .
My days the last few weeks have grown progressivley more decisive. My mind continued to turn in circles and my gut feelings grew stronger. I created new friendships where anything could be said... in saying the "anythings" my rose colored glasses fell from my face while I was crossing the street and an 18 wheeler crushed them to a fine sand. My eyes were opened - opened wide.
I have decided on a divorce. Not a decision that came lightly by any means. It is something that has been in the back of my head fighting its way to the front for more than a year. And now... its decided. My marriage has been an ongoing cycle of pain, a cycle that started even before we were married in the 5 years of our "courting". Good times when we (he) were (was) making the conscious effort, the lull where I was letting him slide and the argument asking for more. I cannot tell you or anyone how many times this cycle was spun, my heart tearing apart a little more each time... this time was the separation of the final strands holding my pieces together.
Upon my decision I started to look at what would need to happen, how I could make this as easy as possible for both of us. In reality I was still trying to take care of him... making sure he could hold it together. I was organizing everything to provide for him as I always have. I wanted to know that he would be ok... unlike most divorces I wasn't mad. . . . . . But I am now.
When a decision like this is made a person (me) looks back at everything.... the good, the bad, what they did before their life was devoted to someone else... and you are able to weigh what you will take with you and what you will try to find again. In the audit of my life with him and what my life was before him, I felt crushed. I see now how blinded I was by this man, and I ask myself for what!? There are a few changes I will hold on to, but I have this humungous sense of loss for who I was and who I am now. I fell away from my beliefs, my self confidence, my character, my family...
I was a person who went to church because I wanted to. I was involved, I felt the Spirit, and I wanted to explore It. As time passed it started to falter, and now I know why. Because I was giving my all to this man who in return was only giving what he thought would keep me. All of my focus and attention and spirit and faith were on a single living person. I stopped feeling the Spirit that I had known.
The day after I told my husband that I was done trying and ready to move on.... he tells me God is healing, Divorce is a sin. This from a man who has never been open to a relationship with Him. This is what changed me, changed my feelings in this separation. Using God in such a manor as to manipulate me into more suffering has made me angry. I am full of pain, and anger, and sadness, and I find myself alone. There are people around me yes, my family although miles apart are supportive, but I still feel alone. I know it is time for me to find that Spirit again, to open my heart which aches for true love and beg for forgiveness.
"I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning"
~Broken, by Lifehouse
