Pain in removing the Rose Colored Glasses

I haven't written in what feels like ages, however when I look at the date of my last post it has only been a little over a month. . . .

My days the last few weeks have grown progressivley more decisive. My mind continued to turn in circles and my gut feelings grew stronger. I created new friendships where anything could be said... in saying the "anythings" my rose colored glasses fell from my face while I was crossing the street and an 18 wheeler crushed them to a fine sand. My eyes were opened - opened wide.

I have decided on a divorce. Not a decision that came lightly by any means. It is something that has been in the back of my head fighting its way to the front for more than a year. And now... its decided. My marriage has been an ongoing cycle of pain, a cycle that started even before we were married in the 5 years of our "courting". Good times when we (he) were (was) making the conscious effort, the lull where I was letting him slide and the argument asking for more. I cannot tell you or anyone how many times this cycle was spun, my heart tearing apart a little more each time... this time was the separation of the final strands holding my pieces together.

Upon my decision I started to look at what would need to happen, how I could make this as easy as possible for both of us. In reality I was still trying to take care of him... making sure he could hold it together. I was organizing everything to provide for him as I always have. I wanted to know that he would be ok... unlike most divorces I wasn't mad. . . . . . But I am now.

When a decision like this is made a person (me) looks back at everything.... the good, the bad, what they did before their life was devoted to someone else... and you are able to weigh what you will take with you and what you will try to find again. In the audit of my life with him and what my life was before him, I felt crushed. I see now how blinded I was by this man, and I ask myself for what!? There are a few changes I will hold on to, but I have this humungous sense of loss for who I was and who I am now. I fell away from my beliefs, my self confidence, my character, my family...

I was a person who went to church because I wanted to. I was involved, I felt the Spirit, and I wanted to explore It. As time passed it started to falter, and now I know why. Because I was giving my all to this man who in return was only giving what he thought would keep me. All of my focus and attention and spirit and faith were on a single living person. I stopped feeling the Spirit that I had known.

The day after I told my husband that I was done trying and ready to move on.... he tells me God is healing, Divorce is a sin. This from a man who has never been open to a relationship with Him. This is what changed me, changed my feelings in this separation. Using God in such a manor as to manipulate me into more suffering has made me angry. I am full of pain, and anger, and sadness, and I find myself alone. There are people around me yes, my family although miles apart are supportive, but I still feel alone. I know it is time for me to find that Spirit again, to open my heart which aches for true love and beg for forgiveness.

"I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning"

~Broken, by Lifehouse

Guilt

My stomach is sour... not sick, just turning. Maybe its not my stomach but my heart? My gut. I'm hearing good news from everyone around me. Stories of young love, business successes, family news, etc., and I'm jealous. Feeling guilty, becuase I want those stories to be my own.... but I don't know if they ever will be.

Days continue to pass, I grow older, I work, I read.... I pass time. I feel no more progression. No challenge. When I do find something to excite me it is juvenile and the one person I want to turn to looks down on me for it, yet is doing the same as I... but with less passion. I'm a passionate person, no matter what I do (if it excites me) I jump head first, not looking at how shallow the water is.

Is this just another lull that will pass, or will this be the last.

No matter what I do, I no longer feel content. Hearing the successes and romantic notions, push me into thoughts that cause me pain.... why?

Heat

Have you ever climbed into a car in the middle of summer and its so hot that the edges of your lips burn and you think that your eyelashes are melting?

Weather man said a high of 92... weatherchannel.com says its currently 99.

I walk outside and find myself grasping for air... The humidity is squelching, making me feel like I'm breathing in fire.

All I can think about is a cold cold shower and a tall Arnold Palmer!

I pray for the people who cannot escape to the air conditioning.

Dancing in Circles

The days keep passing and I don't think time will ever slow down enough for me to catch up to it. My mind races in circles around the trillions of items on my to-do lists posted everywhere for me to see. Number one to-do... figure out which list to start on first and which item of the list that is most important.

Trying to balance life, work, love, family, friends, hobbies, etc... is wearing me out. On top of all this I have been surrounded by babies this week and last.... I'm starving for a child of my own. Could craving more stress and less time be considered masochistic?

I've neglected everything I should and focused too hard on things I shouldn't. I need a fresh start... I wish I had a system restore option like my pc. Imagine it. One little push of the button and you could have a go back to any date you chose. Change an answer you made to someone, turn down that horrible first date... say yes to someone else... pay attention to that horrible MicroEconomics course you failed Freshman year. There would be so many options. I wonder where I could be now..............

Difficult People and Service

I'm a manager, a sales/office manager of sorts. I pride myself on my ability to create a connection with a potential client over the phone. Based on my initial call and the connection I've created I am opening a door for one of my agents... I typically have more than a foot in... more than likey my leg, up to the thigh is holding the door open. I pass said client on to an agent I feel will follow up and build on that connection... 90% of the time I am disappointed.

HOW THE HELL CAN I GET SOME REAL HELP?!

I don't want the car salesman attitude, I don't want the I'm too busy I can't keep up excuses, I don't want the lazy, the prima donna's, the whiney adult babies... I want people who know how to provide real service. Who can speak and WRITE English... I want agents that I can feel comfortable passing a family moving from accross the country to a place they've never been.

I want clones of myself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sometimes a simple, long and loud scream into a pillow

can make things feel or seem better.

Unfortunately even with the scream in the pillow I still feel like:

. . . .

My work week is coming to a close! THANK GOD FOR 3-DAY WEEKENDS!

I was the only staff working in our company today. Receptionist - Vacation, Accounts Payable - Vacation, Boss - Vacation, Mortgage Manager - Jury Duty, making my roles of the day the following: Office Manager, Broker Stand-In, Receptionist, Office Admin, Accounts Payable, Recruiter, Marketing Director, Relocation Director... please Lord, don't let them add Janitor to the mix.

I need to learn how to "grow a set" to stand up to the evil mafia that runs this company. I guarantee I'd have the "cajones" needed if I found that dream job or won the lottery. I hate being dependant on the salary I have here... Its like living in the land of drones. I wake up (late nearly every day), shower (barely having time to fully rinse my hair), dress (in clothes that should be replaced), drive (my car with barely enough gas to get to the office), work. YUCK! I need more! I want to feel the passion and excitement that I once had for my career! Where did it go? Perhaps it went away with the recession.

Is this my future???

but wait... Milton ended up with all the money on a beach with a coconut drink!